Thursday, April 30, 2009

For Better or Worse

I love my wife.

After five years of marriage, I think I finally discovered and spoke her love language.

We were just into bed after a nice night of dinner at Rockne's and shopping at WalMart, when suddenly my wife gasped and looked at me with a frown. No I had not just taken my shirt off to reveal my pasty caucasian flab. Instead, Shaina had something in her hair that was making her nervous.

We went into the bathroom and turned on the lights and like a mother monkey lovingly grooming her baby monkey, I began picking through my beloved's scalp. Shortly, I found it, a little bugger that looked alot like the above little buggers...maybe a little bigger than the biggest. A tick...but he didn't just want to surrender...he was trying to burrow into her scalp to eat her succulent brain matter. So I clamped down and ripped the sucker out (along with a good portion of Shaina's hair and scalp). Shaina quickly flushed it down the toilet, perhaps thinking baptism might make the situation less grotesque.

She combed her fingers through her hair and felt something more...Wouldn't ya know it, MegaTick's little cousin Tickeysha was frolicking in the meadows of Shaina's follicles. I quickly snatched her up like a fat kid grabs a fudgeround and booyah...Shaina was groomed.

Not sure if the dog is bringing this Tick family into the house or what, but this all went down about an hour and a half ago and guess who cannot go to sleep now? Me...there's just this sensation that there are thousands of ticks in my bed and they are just waiting to burrow in my pasty whiteness.

It's a funny and nasty story. But I call it a love story. After all Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not hesitate when giant creatures seek to feast on brains. Straight out of the Bible...It's in the Greek.

P.S. Yes Shaina's hygiene is excellent. She showers far more regularly than I do.

P.P.S. With that said...this is the third different tick encounter she has had since I've known her. It has to be her voluptuous scalp, mixed with an intoxicating aroma of brain matter that lures these buggers to her rather than me.

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