We have been off calcification treatments for about 6 weeks now.
6 weeks of waiting, hoping, praying.
Without the treatment, there is a chance the calcifications worsen, heart failure worsens, major organ function worsens.
But with the treatment, it appears her bones would only trend worse and worse.
So I play with her. We pretend to run. We giggle. I draw elephants and she calls them "Meows".
And then I sneak a peek at her breathing. Her color. The wetness of her diapers.
And then back to the playing.
There is this back and forth of immense joy and tangible fear.
I get it. With Jesus in the story, what do I have to fear? Right?
Well, honestly, I have the suffering and pain and death of my daughter to fear.
I'm not talking about a life-crippling fear of losing Chaia. She is not an idol we are clinging to.
I'm talking about this girl who Shaina and I love a ton teetering between two directions. And us wanting healing and hope.
It is the reality of where we are. I trust God. I really do. But I know Him enough to know that His working things out for my good doesn't always play out how I understand "My good".
I know the "you can't walk in faith if you're walking in fear" crew. I'm friends with many of you. That perhaps Chaia hasn't been healed because our faith is in some way lacking. Name it and claim it and she'll be healed.
There's a problem with that philosophy.
Suffering is frequent in the Scriptures and to say God didn't show up is pretty silly isn't it?
If suffering produces endurance...endurance character...and character hope...and hope does not disappoint (like the Bible says), then why would we say suffering and faith are incompatible? If the way to hope is the road of suffering, then why would we have an approach that tries relentlessly to negate that God works in despair.
So, I am sold out to God healing Chaia. We have anointed with oil. We have laid hands on. We have prayed for her, with her, over her. We've prayed through the night. We've prayed through tears. We believe God is still in the business of healing.
But God is not our puppet.
And that allows me to be both fearful and faithful in the same breath.
We know the end of the story. That God resolves the story.
Our assumption is that He ought to resolve the tension of our story too.
But the tension is good.
Not always desired.
But the tension is good.
6 weeks in...so far so good.
And this past Sunday we were able to dedicate Chaia at the first C3 Kid dedication ever.
We declared what we have said from day one.