Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Reflecting on Father's Day

We had an absolute whirlwind of a weekend, driving north, doing some premarriage counseling sessions, speaking at three services, driving south and grilling out for our C3 gathering.

But even though it was a very hectic weekend, I really felt like a proud papa because Chaia has given me the best Father's Day gift I could imagine, She's still here.

Father's Day has been a tough spot for me for a long time. It has served as a reminder of my sin and brokenness since all the way back to 2000, when a little girl was born and given up for adoption that I had fathered. In many ways that moment crushed me and remade me. It was then that the work of the cross first became known to me. That my sinfulness could not outrun His grace-fullness. But Father's day has been hard because of that. And my dad's passing in June of 2005 has added to the sadness and brokenness of that day in a lot of ways.

But this year for the first time in 12 years, my heart didn't go to those two places. It went to this little girl who captivates my heart every day that her heart keeps going.

I'm a dad.

And I'm likely to be a pushover, a sucker, and a putz when it comes to her. But that's because she's still here.

She shouldn't be. Almost every dad who has had a child with this disease hasn't been as fortunate as me.

But she's still here.

And I'm a proud papa.

But I will not be deterred from my calling as a parent. I wrote this when Chaia was a healthy two week old baby...and it is still the heartbeat of my role as a father:

There are any number of dreams I have for you.

Any number of ambitions, hopes, aspirations.

Any number of idols I might cling to.

I even feel the pull on my heartstrings to be derailed from God's calling for you...to protect you...to preserve you.

But in the end, only one prayer will suffice.

Whether it is one more breath or one more century of breaths, may your life be leveraged for the glory of God, indebted to the grace of God and captivated by the heart of God day after day.

And may my heart, dreams and expectations stay out of your way.


Anonymous said...

Ben, thanks for sharing your stories and prayers, and prayer requests. All is so inspiring, and I wish I didn't need it so much, but I need those reminders of what truly matters and I need to hear of God's grace. I like the breakdown of the Lord's prayer. Thank you. Bruce and I pray for you all everyday so we also like the specific prayer requests that you provide. Praying for the $50,000 challenge and so glad Columbus is a good place to be. Thankful you are there. And a big "Yay God!" that Chaia is still here and you celebrated a wonderful Father's Day. God is good. Love, Sharon and Bruce

Grandma Cindy said...

With tears I read this post, sensing in a very real way what beats in your heart. I am so thankful for God's faithfulness in your life, and for your responsiveness to His call. You bless me, and you bless our family, each and every day. Love you, son.