Thrill v. (with object)
1. to affect with a sudden wave of keen emotion or excitement, as to produce a tremor or tingling sensation through the body.
She told me on my birthday. December 20. Sent me a text. "Hey Love. For your birthday, I got you bourbon and a baby."
I was sitting next to her on the couch. Looked at the text. Then looked at it again. Then looked at her with wide eyes of thrill.
Amazing. Not been preventing pregnancy for 4 years, we just assumed it wasn't in the cards. We were fine with that. Chaia has been amazing, but the hospital took it's toll. Plus we have a huge heart for foster and adoption.
But a baby!
Thrill. Immediate excitement. A wave of keen emotion. Anticipation. Boy or Girl? Name? Due date? How will Chaia and Marquis feel? Dear God, we will have gone from one to three in less than a year. Dear God, we will be outnumbered. Dear God, help us. Sleepless nights, more time with the illogical and unreasonable spawn under the age of 5. Dear God, please let the baby look more like their mom than me. Dear God, the hospital. The genetics. The calcifications. The heart attack. The risk. The pain. The heartache. The agony. Dear God, the tears.
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
The distance between thrill and fear is not far. I went from one to the other in a matter of seconds.
Both come in sudden waves that physiologically impact the body. But those waves could not be more distinct.
Thrill leads to anticipation.
Fear to dread.
Thrill is defined by adventure.
Fear is defined by scarcity.
Thrill sees opportunity.
Fear sees risk.
Thrill says enjoy the ride.
Fear says endure the ride.
And I have been searching my heart to figure out how and why I'm teetering between the two sometimes day by day, other times minute by minute.
Today we sat in an OB patient room and I held my breath as an ultrasound began. Thrill. A baby. Fear. Is that baby ok?
Then there is a heartbeat. And for the moment thrill wins out. But I can't shake the cloud of fear...the what ifs...the unknowns.
Thrill and fear.
Then it hit me. The fear I feel. The nerves. The apprehension. All of that is linked to control. Fear is tied to the feeling that my life is out of my control.
Thrill is embracing the truth that my life IS out of my control. And I have sensed the still small voice of the Divine reminding me of where we have been. A little girl with a raw deal. Expected to die in 5 days. And yet she has been healed. And this overwhelming reminder of a dead heart coming alive again. Of people seeing God written in her story. And feeling absolutely out of control while all that healing and redemption happened and delighting in God all the while. Chaia...Life...made fearfully and wonderfully. Knitted together. Beautifully hand crafted.
What you fear the most controls you the most. Be it death or safety or loneliness or loveliness. It's why we don't take chances, we avoid cost, chase the likes and compromise our values.
Proverbs 9:10 says that "The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Why is it wise? Because what you fear the most controls you the most.
And when we yield to God, new possibilities and opportunities present themselves and we no longer walk in concern or dread or scarcity.
We walk with exuberant hopefulness. Because the distance between fear and thrill is determined by Who is driving.
May whatever controls you today, be replaced by the intoxicating thrill of a life resolved to the surrender to the Divine.
For a heartbeat more or 100 years of heartbeats...may we be captivated by the grace of God and enamored with the presence of God every chance we get.
It's a better way.
Bring it on.