Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Secret to Hot Sexy Monogamy

The V-Day pandemic is upon us.

The day when some spend money they don't have on things they don't need to try and impress the one they don't need to.

And simultaneously the day where a good deal of the population wants to fire venomous darts of poison at those who get caught up in the hype.

Shaina and I don't do anything for Valentines Day. It's not who we are. Don't mind the day. Just don't do anything. The haters applaud. The lovers question our marriage.

But I have discovered the one thing that will keep the romance burning, melt the woman's heart, keep her passion levels high.

I've heard Shaina affirm me in this one thing repeatedly for 10 years of marriage. I've heard her tell other people that I have faithfully done this since we've been together.

I am pretty sure that the research I've done equates to an average of 12.6 extra make out sessions annually.

I've messed a number of things up, but this one secret to hot sexy monogamy has redeemed every mistake.

For 10.5 years...546 weeks...faithfully...with the devotion of a heroic, virtuous husband, I have put the toilet seat down for my wife.

Not only the seat but the lid as well. Like clockwork. With religious dedication. Done with my down...lid shut...flush.

Shaina thinks its my campaign to reclaim chivalry.

She thinks it is my way to speak her love language.

She thinks I am looking out for protect her from that unfortunate late night mishap of the infamous "blind sit" that doesn't end where it is supposed to because some idiot man left the seat up.

She thinks it's about her...and the hot sexy monogamy continues (10 years and we still got it going on!)

But truth be told?

When I was in high school, I saw an infomercial that talked about how the force of the flush actually caused a good deal of the flushing particles to be disbursed upward out of the toilet rather than down the goldfish canal.

And it went all over the sink...the bathroom products...the toothbrushes.

And I was so freaked out by the concept of fecal flossing that I made a decision that has changed the trajectory of my life.

Never again will I flush without coverage.

And while I am still often a day late on taking the trash out...doing romantic gestures...speaking encouragement over my bride or any number of other things on the list...this one thing...simple as it is has kept the passion burning.

So join the campaign today. #Nomoreopenflushing #flushyourmarriage

And watch your love life go crazy.